I’ve been thinking of extremes.

The first came in October after weeks living with my brother and his family. It left me wondering. Wondering if what I had in mind for my life plan was truly what would nourish my soul. Did I want kids? Did I want a husband? Did I want a settled lifestyle that included nursery school drop offs and interrupted sleep schedules? Did I want to hear a child crying as the first thing to wake up to? Or to make compromises and shared decisions? I decided, no. I didn’t want all of that. period.

so I thought.

And so, I went to Guatemala secure in my new perspective. Responding enthusiastically to those who asked, “I’m heading to grad school, on the plan Rachel plan, no room for anyone else plan,” perhaps not put quite so bluntly. I went along minding my business. Fully enjoying myself in Antigua, Guatemala. In fact I felt "at home". And then Saturday came along. I realized I still had not called Rafael. We had dated ten years prior. He had contacted me to let me know he would be in Guatemala and would love to see me. I too wanted to see him. We had been in touch via email for awhile flirting with the possibility of reuniting. I called him from a friend’s phone. I left a message. It was lame. I left another message, it was even lamer. Yet, he returned my call and assured me he'd see me that night.

I walked into the bar that would soon be filled with friends, staff, and families of Safe Passage celebrating our ten years together. And Rafael, who ten years prior, had walked into a bar in the highlands of Guatemala and hit me with a love dart, was sitting there in front of me. The sparks and arrows flew again. Electric. Cupid was at work.

Shit. I thought I had made a clear decision. “Rachel plan.” Yet, Rafa had a plan of his own. Within the first two hours of catching up he made it clear that I was the one for him. Always had been. He didn’t want me to slip by again. I swallowed my wine hard.

I returned to Madison. I returned to my classes. Yes, this is it. I must continue with school. Then the GRE which tried to show me different. Then the calls everyday from Rafa. He finally being granted a visa. And flooding me with praise for who I am.

The routine at my brother’s home was comforting too. I felt this enormous love for my nephew and niece walloping me up and swallowing me whole. Months ago I had felt so solid in my “path for one” perspective, and now it was being rejected by the many influences in my life. Even my economics professor seemed to throw the subject of marriage into each of his lectures!

Everything was changing, again.

I left for Guatemala in December this time to spend a month traveling with Rafael. Upon meeting him at the airport, I knew. While years had passed without seeing him, it was like reuniting with an old friend. There is no awkward space with him. And the silence is as meaningful as the chatter.

The days passed quickly. Each day, filled with water, sun, adventure. We were two moon-children, two happy crabs, filling ourselves up with the company of the other, learning each other, remembering each other, loving each other. Days that unfolded seamlessly. Naturally.

And then finally. The last day. We left early for the lake. obligated to go there to pick up purses for a friend’s business in the US. It was foggy on the drive. I sang along with the radio at times. Rafael encouraged my singing. a voice I do not share with many. He cursed the cold weather. I curled my legs up onto the seat. Tired from weeks of travel. Tired in the way one is tired after eating a warm hearty winter meal. As we descend upon the lake the sky opens up and reveals the lake in all of its beauty. I have never, in my ten years seen such a clear view of it. Our hearts let out a sigh. it is beautiful, on the verge of miraculous. We snap a few photos and continue. We meet an old friend of Rafa’s in Panajachel, a village on the lake, and load up on eggs and potatoes at my favorite garden cafe. We are greeted by an 80 year old Mayan woman who wants to sell us woven Guatemalan bracelets. She is about 4 feet tall, has no teeth, and is covered from head to toe in blue and purple weavings, colors signature of the lake. Rafael sweetly tells her to find him later. she smiles and pats his shoulder.

We walk along the streets. the day is basked in sun. lost in time. we remember our first dates here. partying till late with friends. visiting the nearby villages by boat. eating ceviche. being told my feet smell like french queso. A blissful memory lane. Rafa suggested we rent a boat and visit one of the villages rather than just return back to Guatemala City. I agreed. We took “Jennifer”. Just the two of us and two young Mayan boys, one to drive the boat and the other to navigate. Rafa and I landed at Santa Cruz, a village I know well.

Yet there was a new eco-chic lodge that was advertised at the dock and I was curious to see what that would deliver. We meandered along the grassy path along the shore. Rafa had his mind on getting a cold cerveza. I had my mind on exploring the gardens and new homes that seemed to have popped up in the three years since I had been.

And then emerged the lodge. A lovely garden that jetted out to the lake’s edge. We each walked out to the point of the garden that met the water and stood in silence side by side. We were mutually, agreeably, committed to being with each other. The moment was intense and left us giddy and joking about bringing our families there for a special event. Both of us knew what the other was inferring.

We returned to the boat, climbed in and blissfully headed back to Panajachel. It was no more than a minute with the wind on our faces that Rafa pulled me close, took my hands, looked into my eyes, and said “what are we going to do?” He spoke effortlessly about his love for me, respect, admiration, how he wants to always be in my life and me in his, to have a family together... and then I heard March. And marry me. And I replied “Si, Si, Si... but Marzo es way to soon.” He laughed and said “no, in March I want to make the engagement official with a ring and meet your family.” Ahh, okay. we have a deal. Once we met the shore, we bought matching bracelets from the 80 year old woman to seal our engagement.

And now, as I await news from graduate schools, and Rafa awaits news for jobs in the US, and he we plan this crazy wonderful life together, it seems that sometimes the extreme needs to happen in order to come back to the right path.