I am procrastinating from my economics homework. Usually I can push through and find interest within the topic. Tonight it is all about classical theories and assumptions that I don't see hold much credence in today's economy. I write instead. About loss.
Last week, I grabbed a cup of coffee and then wondered into a Psychic gallery across the street. I would say I'm a skeptic. While I am a spiritual person, and believe in connectedness between people, it is hard for me to trust clairvoyance. However, I was met by a woman in her late thirties, who was on the phone and waved me in to sit, before I could second guess my decision to enter the incense filled, maroon carpeted pod that while located on State St. actually sat between past and future.
I told her my name. Then for the next 40 minutes she reflected my life back to me including points that mark my future. I twisted and turned anxiously in my seat as she recounted details that only my diary and me know. She was blunt, bold, and at times offensive. Yet, she was right. At one point she stated "something happened nearly three years ago that completely changed your life, your perspective, it has challenged your belief." There was no question she spoke of Hanley's death. yet, it did surprise me that it has imprinted my being so heavily. And lately as we approach three years since Hanley died, the loss of her still teaches me further about life.
The first lesson that I learned in losing someone so dear to my heart, is that there is no end to grieving. There is no getting over it. To miss someone so deeply and painfully, is a measure of the love we've had and felt. And that in itself is a gift.
While in Haiti, I found a rock at a beach that undoubtedly spoke of Hanley. It was smooth, bright, and one half pink and one half yellow. the colors of her. I brought it with me back to the United States. And then with me to Guatemala during the week of the 10th anniversary. I then handed it over to a colleague who brought it back to Maine. And finally, the rock rests in the memorial created in June for Hanley. I was sent a photo of it last week. Who would have known that such a simple symbol and act of ritual could warrant such solace? It took time. And still, takes time.
